Journal

For a place to put short(er) updates than what I can justify as a full post. I've seen this in others' capsules so why not. This will probably not be the smallest of its kind, and emotions will be raw, so be warned. Probably NSFW, as well.

October 04

Today is a rather rainy day. I managed to get to the mailbox on my own. I had some training to get there before today. I'm glad I managed it anyway. It wasn't easy, and I was so afraid of getting lost. "you'll live." That message, from someone I met not too long ago, came ino my mind. I don't talk to her anymore. She only wanted to talk about sex anyway. It wasn't even fun to me, just boring. Talking about sex usually is.

10/03/2021

I think the date is correct. I am on the Mac, since the Windows laptop isn't being very cooperative. I have this Dell keyboard that I think is breaking down and sending wrong key codes to the OS or something, causing the whole system to crash. I wonder if Linux could handle it. Never mind, I think it *did* handle it just fine.

But I'm afraid of failing again. I'm afraid of breaking down and just running back to where it's safe and stress-free. Sometimes I just can't deal with it. And Stormux, well. I tried using that on the Pi 4 I have. After updating, I think, port audio, ESpeak sounded really bad, and only got worse through each reboot. I tried installing RH-voice, but whenever I switched to that synthesizer in Fenrir's configuration file, there was no speech at all.

That brought my confidence level down a lot. I doubt I'll ever be great with something like Arch. But gosh everyone else is! Everyone else seems to have been born with either the knowledge or fortitude to gain such knowledge, and I... I have to stumble around trying to find the energy and motivation to even try things. What, oh dear God, is wrong with me!

Fedora, though, continues to work well. I think I could work with that. I'll kind of miss all the games on Windows, like Hearthstone and its access mod, that are on Windows, but if I ever have to switch, I think Fedora Mate will work well. That's what I use at work.

Today, someone was talking about how some people here don't help other people or do anything in the shared space all eight of us live in. Eight rooms, eight people, one common area. I used to order people food a lot in the past. I cannot do that anymore. I've spent too much money on people as it is. Luckily, that has ended. I will not give freely of myself anymore. I've nearly broken myself doing that. I must preserve myself. I must help myself now. Others can help themselves sometimes, I think. I hope. I fear that without me, something bad will happen to them. But no. They've lived without me before. They will do it again. I have to fix myself now. Somehow.

At least I don't have to worry about the credit card. On the fifteenth, I send a bit of my check on that, so that I'm sure to have a little to save, and on the 30th, I know I'll be able to pay rent without needing to dip into savings, and I can save a little too.

And just as things start looking up a little, this guy, who loves to cook, and cooks for us sometimes, is offended that I didn't offer to buy him some Subway. I did that for everyone not too long ago. That was nearly $90. I can't do that anymore. But is that just justification? Or am I really that useless?

I don't know. If I do anything, especially in the kitchen, one of the other guys is never satisfied. If I cook something, even in the air fryer, it's never good enough. Why not let the ones who know what they're doing do that then. Nothing I do is ever good enough.

I simply must do what I did before. Stay hidden. Stay hidden so I don't draw attention to myself and so people won't yell at me and stand above me and make me feel so unnecessary. I've done that for the past ten years. In school. At Gentry. Here. I can do it again. Only come out when needed. Leave them alone. It's not like they need me around anyway. It's not like I do anything for them. And yet, I still need community. I hate that about us humans. We need each other. I just have to deal with it though. I just have to live with it. I'll find a way, I guess. Some way to save up until I can get a place away from here. Away from the people. The people that don't need me.

Maybe find a new job, in Linux administration or something cool like that. A good dream. It's more likely that I'll live here until I die. My will to live is strong, though. I'll be here for a good while.

Mom brought the treadmill a week or so ago. It's in the common area. I, I should be using it instead of writing all this. But it's out there. And I'm in here. And out there is people. People who would probably yell at me if they saw me, or call me fat, or hurt me in some other kind of mental way. I can't deal with that right now.

Why did this even hurt me. All he said was that he won't let me eat his cooking anymore. I've only eaten it a few times, mainly because no one tells me when they're cooking, or if it's for everyone or just them. I never want to ask. I never want to be in the way. I guess, just another group that probably won't want to talk to me after he tells them.

Then again, have I not told everyone that I've lazy? Do I not tell everyone that I'm an awful person? But no. Everyone wants to find some good man in me somewhere, and they look oh so hard. And then they give up looking because there isn't, and then they tell me and it hurts for some reason. Why do I let people hurt me? Why am I so open, even though I try to be flippant about it, hide it under simple omissions of truth. I guess I have a rather large heart, near the surface of my rather thin skin.

It's interesting. Online, dealing with people I don't know, I can be that person. Fat and proud, hugely obese, opulently lazy. But I'm really not. There is a bit of truth in all statements of that persona, that part of me, but I'm not really that fat, and I'm not always that lazy. It is a way to hide myself, under something that I can be. Something that is familiar to me.

When I am attacked online, I can defend myself calmly. I can defend that persona, defend that person. But offline? I ... Where is that person when I am attacked directly? Where is that calm? I can show it for a moment, but, but when I get to my room, the sad music surrounds me. I must practice. But my God, I would hope to be able to be myself within the place ... ah, well, yes. I must wear the persona in the common area. That may fix it. Temporarily. Just be the person confident, smart, powerful, in control, with high self-esteem and a large vocabulary and much wit. I may be able to do that.

But not right now. Maybe tomorrow. I feel better, but still too raw to compose that kind of pattern.

Reading through the last few posts, I think I have improved a little. I am worth something. I just have to remember that. I just have to stop hurting myself mentally more after someone else, who some other people consider rude anyway so why am I letting him stupid words get under my skin, hurts me even the slightest bit. But he struck at my self-worth, where I know I'm vulnerable. Ah well. He's an older guy, and I know how old Southerners are.

09/08/2021

I'm looking for another Mastodon instance. I know I won't be able to make my own in the near future, so thought I'd look around. But any time I see something like

a cozy space for everyone (* ^ ω ^) ✨

I always think "everyone? What about me? I'm so different. I'm so broken. I'm so..." I don't know. I may just have to make my own instance. I'm not sure I'd be able to trust anyone else. I could control who I federate with and all that. I could even control the character count. But most of all, I would be relying on myself. No one to decide that a part of me isn't allowed anymore. No one to make me feel all at home and warm and like I have a place to go on the Internet, and then, well...

But I shouldn't think about that. I'm not even sure why I want back on Mastodon. I mean I have freespeechextremist but I've forgotten the password and it cannot be reset and I'm not really sure it's worth it. But I did like having a space like that. But having my own instance, that may be the only way I can be sure of everything. I cannot be pushed away from a space I create.

I think this has hurt me badly. I'm not sure why this is any different from being removed from that ABDL group years ago. I'm not sure. All the memories I guess. All the people. And I keep reopening the wound. I shouldn't do that. I should just forget about Mastodon and focus on Twitter or something. At least there, people give a shit about accessibility for real, and not just lip service. I shouldn't say that. Mastodon folks are just more into developer freedom. I wish they treated user-freedom as just as priceless. Perhaps that's what Linux is all about: finding one's own safe space in computing. Microsoft or Apple can't take anything away from you in Linux. If only creating a social safe space were as easy as installing Linux. Well, maybe there are. VPS' with Mastodon all set up with a domain name and all that. I don't know.

09/07/2021

I'm thinking of just making my own Mastodon instance. Maybe on the 15th when I have a little more money. For now, though, I'll just research and try things out; maybe I'll find an instance for me after all.

09/04/2021

I have no idea if that date is correct. Ah well, it shouldn't matter too much. I feel better today. Resting in bed, recovering from the week, doing what I want. I even had a meal today. I'll probably order food tomorrow, with the little money I do have. Well I mean technically I have hundreds, but those hundreds will be soon pulled out for rent, so I think of it as already gone. I will not exceed my limit this time.

I talked to an old friend today. She and I used to date, but I hurt her by bringing up with her and not talking to her, a few years ago. I hurt her so deeply, it shifted her entire world view to the left. Ah, I can't blame her. Mine shifts left inch by inch every day as I watch our country crumble under tons of apathetic people, and we fight over masks and genders and simple stuff like that. Sure, it can get as complicated as one wants, if one looks close enough. But we need someone that can look at an overview of it all and find a middle ground. That's what the government is supposed to do, not sway one way or another, but let people order their own lives as they see fit. But people, from the Roman gladiators to today's political talking heads, love a good show. That which was once blood and bone is now information and knowledge. And it's all meaningless. All just stupid nonsense.It barely matters. Life will go on, progressing as it always has. I just pray it progresses towards Light, rather than anti-Light.

09/02/2021

I'm writing this from my Android phone. Pretty cool. I woke up late today. I slept all evening, and all night. Well, I needed three Mellitonin pills to sleep all night, but I managed it. I still woke up very late though, 6:51, where the bus arives at around 6:55. I've got to pull myself together. I don't know what went wrong. Last year, and the year before that, I seemed to be doing so well. But now, I can barely get enough sleep, or perhaps I sleep too much. Who knows. I sure don't. I need to take my anti-depressant pill when I take the Mellitonin, just in case I don't get up in time to take it in the morning.

In rather better news, I have coffee. One of the cold coffees from a vending machine, but I have it at least. Also, my housemates are ordering pizza on Saturday, and having hotdogs and hamburgers on Monday. I just need to get $10 in physical money somehow for the pizza. I don't have that. So I can go a few more days with cafeteria food, and have one meal on Saturday, sleep through Sunday with Mellitonin pills, and have a meal on Monday. That's rather good.

2021-09-01

5:40 AM

I'm trying to pull myself together after what's been going on, see the latest Gemlog post for all that messy detail. I don't know if I see the new "home" at freespeechextremist as a great place either. Yes, I can mute and block, but people there are hard and cold, maybe I'm too sensitive for even a completely open platform. But where else can I go? I guess the only real way to create a home is to, well, create it myself. I won't be able to pay for a domain or VPS in the next half month. That's okay. If I can live on one meal a day for a week, I can live on writing thoughts down here. I'm such a mess. I make mistake after mistake. Nothing new, just... trying to keep my head up and not give up. Maybe I deserve this though. Maybe if I just don't eat, I'll begin losing weight. That's what everyone wants, right? Or perhaps if I stay in this instance, I can become a Conservative, to better fit in with my physical surroundings. Shoot. Why not. They seem fearless enough, well besides fearing AI, and change, and culture shifts, and... Mmm, just as the left fears losing whatever progress they've made. Both sides suck. Both sides hurt people. I probably hurt people too. Why do humans even still exist? We live in pain and die in pain, with a bit of joy somewhere in the mix. At least, that's been my experience. Some people have been able to escape that, through Christianity, mainly older people. If I live to be that old, maybe, one day, I'll find such peace.

At least I feel slightly better than a few days ago. On Monday I was considering myself a useless eater who needed disposing of. I'm not going to lie, that thought still strikes at me every once in a while. But I think I'm starting to become better. Bit by bit, my heart becomes less Shattered, Investiture coalescing again to form my usual operating state. It will take time. I will not be able to open this wound again for a while. I will barely be able to open any wounds for a while. But I think I'll live. I just can't keep bottling all this in. And even the thought that even one person, or shoot, even a bot, is reading this is comforting enough.

7:17 AM

Presentation day. This happens every week, every Wednesday, throughout the day. Presented to adult students, blind or with low vision, who, as usual, mostly don't care anything about technology any more than they can find an end-result in it. Today, we're talking about chat apps, and introducing them to Matrix, and having them join a room. I hope five hours or sleep is enough for this.

I should have gone into IT. Assistive Technology is so much more involved. I probably know more than enough to go into IT Fundamentals. At least on the backend. When it comes to fonts and visual displays and all that, though... I'm stuck here. My whole life, here. Working here. Dying here. Maybe one day I'll just snap and go insane and spend the rest of my short life drooling somewhere. Ah well. At least I'll have breakfast today.