Cynicism about Foss
This is just where I’ll be dumping all my cynicism about FOSS. This isn’t a personal attack against individual developers or anything, just me being sad and cynical and hating the general ableism surrounding FOSS.
Manjaro
See this Github issue:
Orca does not appear to exist in the installer
So, I contacted them because when I tried to install Manjaro, I couldn’t get any speech in the live image. So, I effectively could not install Manjaro. But the installer they use just doesn’t support Orca. Ah well, so sad, too bad for the poor one blind person that’s contacted them, cause we have some FOSSin’ to do!
You may then say “well dude, that’s over man. You’re running Arch, a superior distro to that distro for simpletons. You have everything set up. You’re good!” But it still hurts every time I have to dig it up to prove a point. It still hurts that I have to plunge right into Arch to get things working when I don’t feel ready for that. It still hurts when some driver for a printer or something I need for work isn’t installed because Arch. And it hurts that Arch is the only distro that keeps up-to-date that blind people flock to because CLI can be forced to be accessible, and Debian runs majorly out-of-date software.
I know. I could have gone with Ubuntu Mate. But then I would have had to deal with PPA’s galore, Flatpak and Flathub, and all kinds of package managers, whereas Arch just has everything up-to-date because developers can actually usually be trusted to have stable release code, I think.
I should learn to let all this go. But it’s so hard to release it when developers talk the good talk about accessibility, about inclusion, about inviting everyone, about “join us! We’re the good guys! We *want* you!” and then... And then you try out the installer and find that you can’t even use it. Or you try a desktop and find that you can’t even use it. All because you’re blind. All because you rely on a screen reader that uses, admitted by the developer, “black magic” for interacting with Terminal programs on the desktop, and who knows what else is “black magic.”
All because you’re blind. And no one seems to care. The “good guys” don’t care about you. The “good guys” care only for their group. The ones who want you so much, who invite you so much, are the ones who will then ignore you. The ones who love you so much, are the ones who spit in your face and say you’re not good enough because you can’t see. Because you were born with something that you couldn’t control. Because you’re just too different.
All because you’re blind. Probably dumb too. Too dumb for Linux, obviously. Go back to Windows and Mac you blink blink. We don’t need you here. But we sure would like your money. Subscribe to us maybe? Patrion? Can blind people even own money? Can they use Patrion? Can they even think enough to choose to pay? But enough about that one blind person, we got some FOSSin’ to do! Packages to fix! People to make happy! Newsletters to write to call out for more users! Well, users who can even use our OS, that is. Haha.
I know, they probably don’t think like that, not exactly. But it’s that much of a slap in the face to not even be given a chance. Not even be able to install an OS in order to even try to use it. Sometimes, I do feel like just going back to Windows. Slinking back to Master Microsoft with my tail between my legs and saying sorry. Sorry for doubting your benevolence. Sorry for doubting your ability to give me an accessible and mostly open OS. Sorry for thinking that people are better than corporations. Sorry for doubting you, Microsoft. Will you, take me back? Will you be dependable for me, unlike people?
But no. FOSS will call me back to itself. And I’d just keep with the cycle. So, I break it here, with my personal laptop running Arch, and having a Windows machine at work for Zoom and Google Docs and all the other stuff I actually need to do my job.
Contributing
I’ve already written a bit on the “be the change you want to see” bull crap that FOSS elites try to punch down with. The programmers who can actually make change, the people who have the knowledge and understanding to actually *make* things better, spitting in our faces again and again, shirking their own responsibility because “it ain’t my problem haha.”
But the other problem is that, well, where do I begin? “write documentation.” For what? “Translate.” I only know English, and a little Esperanto. “lobby.” I... Do I even have the energy for that? “write a HowTo on making software accessible.” I... Maybe. But will people listen? Will people even care? Who cares? My accessible-retro-games repository gets people of people saying “oh cool.” but no contributions other than one person fixing a technical inaccuracy. I doubt I’d get anywhere. I’m just too drained. I have so little energy. “find an accessible package and help them along.” That’s what I already do. Sometimes they listen, like Dashboard, and sometimes they don’t see to have, like Elpher. I need help. I need guidance. I can’t just... I can’t just, make things happen. And depression is always looking over my shoulder, whispering that I am nothing. That I couldn’t possibly be the change I want to see. That I don’t even have the power to help myself, let alone anyone else. All I can do is give money, until I’ve given too much and am broke. Broken. Shattered.
But it’s never enough. Never. Always some one pressing against me, making me feel like all that I try to do, as little as it is, is even more worthless. I come home from work, tired, exhausted. Some nights are okay. I talk to friends, then relax a while trying to figure out Lilypond or read more on Org-mode. And other times, though, things like Manjaro pop up, or other distros, or Linux accessibility in general and all I want to do is cry but I can’t because music doesn’t make me cry, or at least, the music I have. I just want to clean my mind out. But it just, doesn’t work. But then, why? Why clean it out? I probably don’t deserve that. As little as I do for the community and for work and for everyone. It is probably my punishment to not cry.
But that’s the depression. I try to fight it sometimes. But then other times I feel like I deserve to feel this way. Why not. I’m just a blind person. What else do I expect?
/gemlog/sadness/